Acceptance in the mist of my Mid-diet Crisis

Hello my beautiful people,

First of all let me wish you guys a happy new year and all the other holidays I have missed in these past couple of months lol (insert a smiley face)


As you guys can tell by my title I have gone through a bit of a mid-diet crisis, I know it sounds a little strange (don't judge me lol) I will explain. You see I suffer from a disease called part time motivation and yes I self diagnosed myself lol. I don't know what happen my first couple of months at the gym I was on fire workouts 4x weeks, eating good and I even knew the trainers by their first names and then all of sudden it stopped. My motivation for everything just stood still it was like I was frozen in time. Me and McDonald's started back our relationship lol and the treadmill was a word that disappeared from my everyday vocabulary.

So after a couple of weeks of putting myself down and feeling guilty I realized... That sometimes we need to step back and observe our situations. So for what it's worth it's never too late to change and be whoever you want to be, and live a life that your proud of and if you find that your not, find the strength to start over.

With that being said, I forgave myself and let it all go.  I decided that today i'm starting over and I'm back with a revegance lol.

The chronicles of a funny, fat and fabulous chickita.

Gym Time

You know when they say you can be in a crowded room full of people and still feel alone?​ Well my friends​,​ I’m here to tell you that that is a damn lie​,​especially when it comes to the gym. So before ​I​ get into what my experience was like being at a gym, ​I​ just wanna say that I am very proud of myself for signing up ​at​ the gym in the first place. Well​,​ actually let me rephrase that last sentence, I have had a gym membership for the past 4 months (oops forgot to mention that lol) I just never went. I think that these are some of the things that have contributed to one of the reasons why I'm broke lol. Now on to my first day at the gym.

I taught that I​ would be excited and eager to start my first day at the gym because I'm on this new me,​ ​new journey type of mental​ity,​ but to be honest​,​all I felt was fear and anxiety. I mean the anxiety was expected ​be​cause ​I​ always feel like people are talking about me, when half​ of​the time those same people are worried about the​ir​ own problems​. ​​Did I also mention that there was only 5 people at the gym​?​ ​C​'mon Khai​! ​Really​?​ ​G​et a grip lol. I didn’t understand where the fear came from tho​ugh​ ​be​cause that was a new feeling​.​ I mean don't get me wrong​,​the staff is great and the people are friendly and my trainer is pretty dope. When I saw the machines​,​I think that’s where the fear was coming from​.​In my mind ​I​ was thinking​,​my ass couldn't even do a push-up for ​G​od sakes​, ​so how in the hell is my ass going even use these machines lol.

So Andrew

​ (​my trainer​), said w​e are​going to do that umm “Fit test thing” and ​immediately ​I​felt like ​I​ was back in high school​.​ ​T​hen I t​hought if ​I​ told him ​I​ had my period​,​do you think ​I​ would have been excused lol (wishful thinking). Then ​I​ put on my big girl panties and got to it and to be honest it wasn’t as bad as ​I​ t​hough​t. I did a lot of things that ​I​ t​hought ​I ​couldn’t ​do, ​like a push up and dead lifts​.​ ​I​ guess it really ​is ​mind over matter huh​?​As ​I​ began to do the exercises ​I​ found myself saying oh lord ​I​ cant do this shit and my trainer would say don’t sell yourself short ​K​hai. Thinking about it now​,​that’s what we do​.​ 50 percent of the time we sell ourselves short and accept the things that we shouldn’t because it is comfortable for us. Crazy how it took a gym and feeling depress​ed​to figure that out about myself. We are all a work in progress, but we gotta work in order to see the progress.

Thanks for reading the chronicles of a fat funny and fabulous chick xoxox

Broken Crayons Still Color

So the other day I was scrolling through my Instagram, and I came across a post that read broken crayons still color. I sat on my bed for about 20 mins trying to figure out what the meaning was behind this quote and why it was on my mind so much. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I viewed the crayon as life and how we see ourselves. I know you're probably thinking that I done lost my mind lol, but I haven't — continue to read.

When we are born, we are like a brand new crayon straight out of the box. Just like that crayon, we are desired, wanted and needed. As we grow and learn life lessons we tend to break, tear and crack just like a crayon would. Sometimes we find ourselves not knowing what our purpose is or why things happen to us, but over time like that crayon, we tend to lose sense of what our value is and how useful we are. Why did I write this you ask? I wrote about it, because I'm trying to figure out at what point in my life I lost the  bright colours that I once used to see the world and why for a long period of time, the world appeared to me as black and grey. For sure getting my heart broken and feeling worthless has contributed to that, but why does it take someone to devalue us for us to go out and search for our self worth?

People would always say to me when I was going through my depression, "Oh Khai give it time, time heals all wounds and someday you will look back at this and laugh". I'm actually still waiting for that time to arrive, so if anyone could let me know roughly around when it will happen — it will be greatly appreciated lol. In the span of a few months, this roller coaster has taken me from depression to finding myself. I didn’t heal; I reflected and with that reflection I found joy and sadness but most of all — acceptance. I accepted the things I could and cannot change about myself and for me that was the best thing "healing and time" could have done for me.

I am a beautiful disaster, and my crayon is slowly piecing itself back together to become exactly what I want it to be. The days that I don't want to get up, I hear my heart pumping strong and I know that, that is the purpose, value and color that reminds me to keep going.

Thanks for reading
The chronicles of a Funny, Fat and Fabulous Chick xoxo

The Epiphany

You know when you reach a certain age and you find yourself needing to grow up? Well

I am at this point in my life. On my 26^th birthday I realized a lot of things about myself

and not a in a good way I might add.  I mean at 26 years old I should have things in control, I should know who I am and what I stand for and what I plan to accomplish, but I couldn't see it. So after spending about an hour and a half crying my eyes out in my best friend car, I came to the conclusion that I am fat,​ ​broke and severely depressed. Don't get me wrong I have a good life, I think that I just got too comfortable with the things that I knew I c​ould ​change. 

Then I thought to myself “Khai” (Oh yeah that’s my name by the way lol) “Yes Self” I answered “Why do you think your fat, broke and depressed” and I could not answer it for the life of me.

I mean, I have friends I am quite social with a beautiful personality, funny as hell and have always been "The Fat Chick" in my group of friends and I was OK with that. I  have never ​tried​ to be anything other than me​;​I love food​ - I mean​ who doesn't​?​ I just think ​that ​my love for food has become a boyfriend​ that ​I just can't get rid of​,​which I think has contributed to me being fat LOL.

So if I could see these good qualities in me why does my life feel like it is in a state of chaos? I realized at that point I needed to change my way of thinking and put a plan into action. So I made a list and checked it twice (hence the Christmas reference lol) of things I needed to do and change in my life and I t​hought ​I ​would share it wi​th ​you guys.

 Khai's Lists 

. Lo​​se 90 pounds (Break up with my Boyfriend)

. Try to save around 10,000 dollars

. Cut off all my hair and go natural (which I have a ready done)

. Get a drivers license

Seems like a lot to accomplish in a year huh?​ ​Well I look at it like this ​- ​I may succeed or I 

may fail miserably but I ​would have at​ least tried​ and followed through with something for once in my life. ​

 

​

So in the mi​d​st of me trying to change my life and finding out who I am​, ​I t​hought ​you guys might enjoy coming along on this crazy ride with me. 

 

​This blog has become my new diary​;​who knows what can happen​..all I know is ​​I may inspire someone do something great​.. ​​​I m​ight​ annoy the hell out of my readers or you may genuinely enjoy it​. Either way I would have done something great​ - for me. 

Thanks for listening and reading

Signed

The chronicles of a  Funny, Fat and Fabulous chick  xoxo